While it looked as if SimCity was off to a rocky start after its March 5 launch debacle, Maxis released a statement today declaring that the game’s server and non-essential feature difficulties are “at least, completely, 62%, entirely fixed.” This news comes as a relief to fans worldwide who have been waiting in long server queues or unable to verify the authenticity of their purchases through a persistent online connection for weeks.
However, following the initial launch complaints, savvy, detailed-oriented players started noting apparent problems with SimCity’s underlying artificial intelligence architecture. For instance, firetrucks appeared programmed to take high-speed qualifying laps around town chasing the sought-after pole position in lieu of rescuing burning houses. Meanwhile, masses of hyperactive Sims were caught playing hooky from work as they walked in small squares for hours on end. Nevertheless, Maxis proudly denounced fan criticisms as “poppycock” today and announced that it had completely revamped the artificial intelligence underlying these core systems. As demonstrated in the following screenshots, I verified that Maxis corrected the bugs and that all systems are functioning properly.
Firetruck convoys now rush to every incident and form civil lines as they wait their turn to fight fires
A spokesperson was reportedly overheard muttering:“Ya want fiyatrucks!? I’ll give ya fiyatrucks!!!”
Masses of Sims now walk in long lines, rather than being jumbled in small square looping paths
An internal source explained:We believe that a Sim should be free. And a Sim, however tiny an automaton, desires to be free. A tiny square loop in the general vicinity of a Sim’s domicile is not free. A straight line that stretches from one end of a small plot of land to the other: that’s free.
SimCity Conservation DLC Coming Soon
Now that all of the launch foibles and core design issues in SimCity have been solved, the development team has been hard at work on realizing additional aspects of its Grand Vision. These items will trickle out over time in the form of affordable DLC packs. Excitingly, we’re prepared today to release an exclusive tease for the upcoming installment.
The following screenshot is from my press-exclusive beta test of SimCity’s upcoming SimConservation DLC pack. There is no word on pricing yet, but the DLC is estimated to go on sale next month for around $149.99 with the $29.99 spruce, pine, and evergreen tree bundles to follow shortly after.
My pristine landscape after 900 hours testing the new SimConservation DLC
Disclaimer: This article was created solely for satirical purposes and does not contain factual information.